Saturday, January 17, 2009

“Who is the you in YOU?”

Well it may be too soon, or not soon enough.

I feel compelled to send a short missive here to the light of my life. Jesse! How could I know you? How could I even begin to believe that you would not accompany me to the end of my days? What a sure, pure assumption that you would be there at my passing some forty years hence. My own death witnessed by your child's heart, instead of this awful reversal of the normative. That you would mark my life from a pure, real place of knowing me as your mother... simply offered for the repayment of shepherding you through. How could I see this coming?

As mother, as friend, as abiding coequal through your days and into the full realization of the “You in you”. I began to ask this question recently so you might also ask and come to some place of deep peace. While you battled.

“Who is the you in YOU?”

In a perfect world we have untold years and generous experiences to arrive here. Through youth, arrival at identity, rebellion and formed community, (though yours was always polite and intrinsically born of self-respect and therefore respect for others), structured scholasticism, inquiry, career, family, spiritual evolution, wisdom and a timely death – all the markers on the road map of life. Yet yours was truncated in your short, blazing shot at the stars! Ninety years wrapped up into twenty.

“Who is the you in YOU?”

I feel now like I was always a mystified observer and you came in knowing the answer to the question above. You are teaching me now. In the painful days culminating in your passing, I am now sure that you came in an old soul, because your prior arrangements somehow arrived at the basis that your long life would be condensed into this short, elegant, self-realized burst of flame and adamancy. YOUR LIFE. No doubt. No question. No boundaries. No negotiating truth for the long drawn breath of mendacity. You really came here to live and let THOUGHT be. You really showed up my boy!

“You are the you in YOU!”

So while I feel gypped now, and in my own spiritual emergency as to how I’ll carry you deep in my cells, forward, alight on my shoulder as guardian of my mindfulness – I am arriving at a certain peace. Slowly. This highly polished mirror of the effect of you on our shared community will fade to a feathering. Naturally so. Who will be there to witness you thirty years hence? How will I live my own truth without you by then? And yet no regrets. We did a perfect mother and child reunion. I have loved you more than life and been profoundly repaid by life. There is nothing amiss here. YOU conspired to inspire, and you are melded within me. The you in YOU is not a (?).

I was there at your passing and I can attest that you arrived.

Deepest peace Jesse. Look kindly on my travels...

Love beyond love,


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